Things I Hate

On Sep 23, 2005, at 1:38 AM, Keaka Jackson wrote:

Why can’t I eat grass? Cows can do it, why can’t I? I waste so much time buying soup, opening the can, and sometimes heating it up. Think of all the time I would save if I could just step outside and chew on my lawn.

While researching the possibility of modifying my stomach so that I can digest hay, I learned something astonishing: cows are like microbreweries! A cow’s forestomach is a huge 50 gallon fermentation vat with 500 trillion bacteria. If I fed a cow malt, hops, and a bit of yeast, would it produce beer instead of milk? I think it’s worth a shot. How convenient would it be to pre-party by milking (beering?) the cow in the living room and downing a few cold ones from the cow’s 50 gallon tank? On second thought that doesn’t sound convenient at all, but it would still be pretty cool.

I have a long list of things I hate besides cows. I meant to post them all here, but I’m feeling a little ill. I just ate a full pound of Toll House chocolate chip cookies. Now I have to go curl up in a ball and try not to think about how all that warm doughy goodness will look if it comes back up. You’ll just have to wait for the next installment to find out what else I hate.


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